What, how, where, when?

I wrote a Q&A for The Reykjavik Grapevine a while ago, posing as an agony aunt. The unedited version never made it online, so here it is.

When can I make a left turn?
– A. Vector, Berlin

When you feel like it. This is not legal advice.

How does one get in front of the line at Kaffibarinn?
– J. Kjartans, Oslo

You get in line and then you wait until it’s your turn. If you want to get into the “VIP queue”, you either get in line and wait three years, or get a job there. This advice goes for every bar in Reykjavík. Alternatively, you can be the cokehead idiot who spends as much time in the “VIP queue” pestering the doormen as people in the regular queue. 

Who is the coolest cat in town?
– R. Allen, Reykjavík

You are.

So you’ve got genital herpes. Now what?
– H. Agustsson, Reykjavík

Tell your girlfriend. Talk to a doctor. Reconsider the choices you make in life.

If my neighbours cat sneaks into my basement and kills my 200.000 ISK parrot, who’s responsible?
– A. V. Þorsteinsson, Hveragerði

The cat.

How can I get people to understand that sea swimming, good coffee and paying down your mortgage are the keys to happiness?
– E. B. H. Ármannsdóttir, Reykjavík

You just did.

I understand bathing naked and cleaning yourself, but why do old men in swimming pools bend over in the showers, do a mini enema and then a rectal probe to clean themselves? 
– B Hallgrímsson, Kópavogur

I have never seen this. What pool are you going to?

Kópavogslaug, Salarlaug, Vesturbæjarlaug, Neslaug are the common ones for me.
– B Hallgrímsson, Kópavogur

Ah yes. The pervert pools.

what do they mean by serenity courage and wisdom?
– K. Daðason, Reykjavík

Help me act on what I can and should be doing, butt out of things that I can’t affect or are not my business, and give me the braincells/insight/wisdom to know the difference. It’s an easy one to understand, hard one to remember.

are altruism and empathy competitive advantages? how do we employ them as such?
– K. Daðason, Reykjavík

Altruism in its essence has no advantages, or at least personal gain. That’s a basic tenet. It just trains the kindness of your heart, and in such makes you more self-compassionate, which makes you more bearable to other humans because you’re not so uppidy all the time. This is a rarity in this day and age.

Can I use blackface in Iceland if I’m playing disco. Is it only disco that allows blackface or can I do it in  other musical genres, like traditional icelandic fifth-singing (fimmundarsöngur)?
– K Sigtryggsson II, Laugardalur

This relates to the recent scandal where a disco band in the countryside performed in blackface on a bill with Króli, who called them out on social media. 

It’s pretty certain today that blackface is never ok, it’s a good, simple rule of thumb. Therefore, you need to use the Dutch christmas Zwarte Piet rule: It’s not blackface , he just had soot on his face all along!

Why do men?
– A Kristjánsson, Oslo

Not all men. Me, certainly, but not all men.

What is the best make and model of used vehicle to sleep in when you can’t find an affordable apartment? And which parking lots are best for camping out?
– J Bowe, Reykjavík

Peugeot 306, 2002 model station wagon. It’s the cheapest station wagon on Bland.is. You’re gonna need to replace the transmission, but you could just have it towed to the Kringlan parking lot, which is where you’re gonna be sleeping, because it is guarded. You’re gonna have to bribe the guards, buy them pizza once a week or something, then you’re golden. 

Tips & tricks to survive the summer heat?
– S. Jasonarson, Austria

Wait for an hour. You know that crazy Icelandic summer weather. Oh, you’re in Austria? Boo hoo. You’re Icelandic, you have to be grateful that you’re getting warm weather. You’re uncomfortable the whole time? Children impossible because the weather tires them out every day? You selfish prick! Think about the poor sun-starved people of Iceland! They have to wear sweaters! Often even raincoats! They are driven to the brink of despair by the mild, fairly wet weather! Oh, your pet died because of the heat? THAT’S NOTHING, MY SNEAKERS ARE WET!!! Oh and I hear that it’s nice to go to the cinema, they have AC. Drink plenty of fluids.